Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………………………………………………..

This is a work in progress, It will be a little while before I blot the 10+1 things down.

I’ve always been diffrent from other kids, while growing up I’ve always been on my own,as a loner. I make friends pretty easily.I’ve grown up to realize, a lot people don’t like my ways (even when they have no business in my life). I have a really childish voice, and used to get bugged when people would mock me and make fun of me. I’ve drained the voices out, there is only how as much as you can take.

As you guys know I’ve had a very protective childhood and no emotionally undesirable bad experiences, A part of me wants to keep it that way.

A part of me likes to help others and as like ara, I’ve realized people run over you. I am a very possessive there are a lot of things I would never share ( I guard my ink pen , no mater what) and am pissed when someone flicks uses something which is mine. I’m a kinda selfish individual, A lot of things I like to do just for me

“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

I find it a lot easier to make friendship when someone walks up to me, I get the feeling that person is interested in me. I try to avoid situations, where the Q of honesty comes into effect, because if the Q comes up, it means I have to take sides. I’ really don’t mind a little hank-panky, when it comes to bending the rules to help others ( or myself ,its survival of the fittest )

I’m a shy person almost cowardly. I’ve gone from rockstar to the circus clown in large crowds. I find some magical power to stand up for what I believe in , and pack a powerful punch to get the word across.

As a 22 year old I think I’m still a baby and I have my whole life to look forward for that ONE. I don’t see my self as a romantic. When I walk on the street I see thousands of girls I think are pretty, but when I hold their hand, they seem so ordinary. I mean they are really nice people. I just don’t feel a SPARK. I feel like i’m being selective, when no girl would look at me, hehe. Then again I’m looking for that someone special.

Am I reaching for the stars, What do you ladies think ?

Ugadi roughly translates to , Uga - era and Adi - new. The start of a new era.

Today we celebrated the Telugu New Year :). Telugu people follow the lunisolar calender, so it gets kind of tough to keep track of such days

UGADI

Ugadi is one of the few days people still wear traditional clothes girls wearing langa voni’s and guys wearing panchs or kurtas. The thing I like about Ugadi the most it super delicious food you only get in an Andhra household. Delicious Lemon rice, Yogurt dipped Wada’s, Sweet Kheer.

It is also the only day Ugadi Pachadi (umm.. new year pickle) is served. Me thinks , I cant explain it better than wikipedia

The eating of a specific mixture of ;

• Neem Buds/Flowers for bitterness
• Raw Mango for tang
• Tamarind Juice for sourness
• Green Chilli/Pepper for heat
• Jaggery for sweetness
• Pinch of Salt for saltiness

This mixture with all six tastes (షడ్రుచులు), called “Ugadi Pachhadi” (ఉగాది పచ్చడి) in Telugu and “Bevu-Bella”( ಬೇವು-ಬೆಲ್ಲ ) in Kannada^[1], symbolizes the fact that life is a mixture of different experiences (sadness, happiness, anger, fear, disgust, surprise) , which should be accepted together and with equanimity.

People always talk of India in the context of poverty,bad sanitation and lack of vision. Quality of life is always compared to high post war industrialized European standards. But anyone who has lived in India would understand the close community feeling, pretty much like being married to the Mob. Many families like mine crave industrialization, because it gives us a chance at a better life.

My mom has had a royal upbringing never having to worry about anything in life. My dad on the other hand has had to work odd jobs since he was a little kid to make ends meet and to him education was the only way out. I always talk about failed democracy to him and the amount of intrinsic corruption add to that irrational cultural ideologies. But he says the system worked for him, he told me when he was young, they used to get wheat as Food Aid from America and the only milk the ever got was powdered.

The funny thing is when people get fed up with the government they take matters into they’re own hands, AMUL is one such product. It was a cooperative movement started by housewifes in one of the most arid regions of india. They said no to middle men who took big cuts and took matters into they’re own hands. A few poor farmers get together for the betterment of them as a whole and in turn spur The White Revolution. AMUL is one of the most beloved brands in India, not because it works for the collective good. because it makes the most delicious milk products. Utterly Butterly Delicious !

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Talking about AMUL which was a very pro woman moment, I thought Id just scribble a few more thoughts

People often talk about arranged marriages, but no one talks of a new push. Modern India is growing more and more westernized in many ways. Giving up old age Ideals,many of them others can learn from. A major outcome of the Nationalist freedom movement was the promotion of love and brotherhood among all communities irrespective of race, creed and religion. More importantly though was the Upliftment of women. Barring a few villages, on a whole women in India form a cornerstone of a family. She is pretty much the rule maker back home. I’ve often read about gori’s trying to please MIL’s , hehe. Her word is final most of the time, unless you want tor rebel of course.The only reason India is still very conservative even with the advent of western media is because girls in India like it that way, I guess it helps them get rid of all the bullshit and give a chance to only serious suitors. But, most of them end up stay at home moms, sometimes at the mercy of a reckless husbands. There is a very well woven support system in place like a net to catch her if things don’t work out. No true way to be stand at her feet until today.

With the advent of an Open Economy though,more and more women in India grow independent. Mora and more go to work. Heck, there were more girls in my class than boys during my undergrad. As a society, we are opening up nice and slow. It gives a chance for girls in India to be more choosy in all ways I guess.Maybe not my generation, but the one that follows has the power to shape the entire Indian demographic. I just hope they choose the right balance.

I have always been grateful to god to have given us a perfect life, but sometimes it gets too real to be true.
My brother has not been doing very well for the last two years, he was recently diagnosed with MS. His entire life changed in a moment. It is a struggle for him , just to get up and do the daily tasks. I dint know how to handle the situation, id try to be nice and helpful and he would feel treated like a sick patient and I could not exactly let go. I spent 8 months at home before I came here trying to help him ,but I felt like I made the situation more worse. I finally left. My parents say he’s doing better and he does seem jolly on the phone, but my friends tell me he’s grown skinny. I wish there was something I could do to help him .

He was crossing the street and just fell. Everything was normal for the next few days and then he started falling more often.We werent really sure what was the problem. We hardly ever went to the doctor.( we’ll I did to skip school sometimes). His situation worsened gradually and one neuroligist suggested that it might be MS.

At first he used to keep falling down, then he had trouble with his left foot, hands shaking and fatigue. My brother had a squint from middle school. I read that people who live in temprate climates when they are less than 15 years old,are more prone to getting it. We’ll it just happens that, me and my brother happend to live in russia for over 5 years when we were little kids. MS is a very uncommon disease in India and there is hardly any treatement for it. SC with a population of 3 million people has more people with MS than Andhra Pradesh with almost 60 million people. Its been really hard for all of esp my mother, she refused to acknoledge it. We used to get fevers and common colds, but something like this never happned. My mom got sick when I was around 10,she had an iron deffiency,but she got better really quick. It’s made me realise how fickle life can be with us.

This is something that worries me the most, more than anything else in the world. I’ve wanted to talk about it more but have been avoiding it for a while, I’ve been looking out for people on youtube and a few MS sites.

I’ve been dying to watch this movie, for a long time, it seems so in depth. It reminds me of the detailed cinematography 300 had, so enjoyable, but it felt like a visual treat with not much of a plot in the end. The fall, has a streak to it, that killer punch that hits you in the face, your so much in awe just looking at the trailer.

The last two years have been very eventful for me, for my family rather. We have seen some bad times, which never seemed to end. I spent six months at home doing nothing at all, rather contemplating my blank future. A world class education and two decades of graying hairs were not enough to land my unemployed father a decent job. A housing loan quick sanding us into a thick unmovable concoction. My brother went horrible sick, the worst part is we could not even afford health care. It’s been painful to watch him readjust his life from his former glory, as I stand helpless,not able to even extend a helping hand. I’ve finding myself staring into a blank wall, wishing for a fresh start. Just wishing things would go back to the way they were. Time is not kind enough to rewind on us :(.

I took the risk of a lifetime coming to the US, things could easily have go wrong wrong, but there is only so much low one can go. Thankfully, its worked out for me. I get to study for free, my dad’s landed a we’ll paying job and my brother is getting comfortable with the cruel twist life has for him.

Life will never be the same, It’s moved on a few miles more.I’m making choices, I have avoided, exploring avenues i’ve turned my back on. Life only looks brighter, I should be done with school soon, hopefully landing a good job and afford a sleek sports coup Ahhhh I can almost smell the fresh air…….

I have been dying to watch penelope, and I finally got to watch it yesterday. The movie, falls into the shrek mold, and asks us how important physical beauty really is, I thought ricci looked really cute with her piggy snout, but O’well.

Every passing day, I really see an contradiction, we always read about beauty in simplicity and naturalness , but one click of the remote and all you see is a steady flow made to order barbies. I really dont know who’s fault it is, is it the popular media ? the cosmetic companies ? or maybe its just us craving for such content.

How important should looks be ? do good looks really mean good genes, i mean all of us carry diseases , allergies ,viruses and genetic abrasions of some sort.

That said,I do end up having mortal restrictions , lol.

Most indian guys I know tend to show a mob mentality, even I sometimes feel a need to have some male bonding time, but I feel they take it to the extreme, they are like the girlfriends you never had. Expecting you to clinging to them come what may, one step on the aliter and your a bad man. How in the world do they ever expect me to spend each moment of my life with them, I ask some space for myself and again I’m down right evil. Any time I vent out my frustration., i’m made to be the son of the devil in front of a huge crowd. Silence, is indeed golden.

Every time, I ever talked to a girl back home, many would make it look as if, i’ve spent my 9 lives with her. A 5 min conversation, would end in a 5 hour boot camp. From , shy guys asking me how to approach girls, to most wondering what I spoke to her and even worse, getting teased and your feathers ruffled. Rumors , gossip getting linked up to a fav girl they would like to link you to romantically.

Everything you own belongs to the village, even your undies, they need not even ask , just come and grab it. Your at they’re service 24×7 a day, all they need to do is desire your service and you need to be at they’re door step, lest they turn up at yours, let hell break loose or you have the most important work in the world, you have to make time. Just a polite no, and it causes so much heart break to that guy, even worse your accused of being insensitive of the entire villages need. Almost, ostracized, with someone looking to take you in magnanimously, i’ve been through the entire cycle so many times, i’ve decided to let go. But they grab your hand like a knight in shining armor, the problem is they wont let go.

A desi, I work with takes great pleasure letting the entire village know my escapades with every girl I help out at work. Magnifying my conv 10x and adding all the spice he desires, before the entire mob comes trouble me, I’ve been adding my own pinch of salt and pepper, fun fun.

I find myself at the crossroads everyday, like a traveler who knows not where his destination lies. I’m really unhappy with my life. I’ve come to realize that, that I don’t have the intellectual ability to do what I do, but I still try to push myself, hoping I somehow. I don’t know what else to do with life I feel my life has no meaning. I feel,completely exhausted and empty. Life looks like a spiral leading now place. Am I happy with life right ? Whats so totally wrong with it, I ask.I wish I could find more meaning to it. I wish I had more direction. Whats my purpose of existence.

I find myself moving more and more into my own space. Like my friend said, I’m not attracted to white, I’m attracted to one who can stand shoulder to shoulder and free to let go.Someone, who can show me how to live.

All I have to do is look for a starting point…………..